Why do I tend to find all of the older men in movies super attractive?
Like, honestly, I would prefer Matthew Morrison (William Schuester) from Glee over someone like Zac Efron any day.
Oh, and last year I had sort of an obsession with Pierce Brosnan (he's 57!)
Seriously, I think I need some help.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Reintroduction?
Since it's been a while since my last 'real' blog, I may as well reintroduce myself.
To start off, I'm Sarah & I was born into the world somewhere in Canada, on Sunday, January 7th, 1996, which I suppose was a great day for my parents. Truth is, before I was born my mom had many miscarriages, and ever since I can remember both of my parents have been calling me their 'miracle baby.'
My family consists of four- me, my 10 year old brother Phillip, my mom & my dad.
We live in a house in the suburbs on a relatively quiet street in an overall safe area. (Although my car has come close to being broken into, so maybe I'll reconsider that thought... ) I've lived here nearly all of my life, and came into my neighbourhood when I was only a few months old. Before then I lived in the city in a much smaller house which I actually manage to see from time to time, that is when we're visiting in that area.
I enjoy singing, although I don't believe I've 'got what it takes' to make it out there. I also adore making video's on my free time although I haven't exactly done that for a while. I WILL honestly try to continue when I get my camcorder for Christmas though. :) Something else you should know about me is that I adore the most random things, honestly. Some things being I like to walk around Blockbuster at night, & my favourite smells are the smell of chlorine, sunscreen, & baby oil. Hah, I told you.
I also have many fears, many limitations I put on myself. I know that everyone has fears, but the fears I have can go from the scariest thing to something someone does on a regular basis, such as crossing a street. I'm very insecure & not very confident. I don't like the way I look & that is why I dye my hair so often. I also dye it because I get bored of my appearance fairly quickly. I know I look very young for my age & I do try to look older, hence the makeup.
Something else I'd like to discuss are my expectations. Some people say I expect a lot from them, and I suppose I do. I've lost so much faith in humanity & in myself that I now believe anything I ask from anyone is a high expectation. I'm a mess, I am, and many people assume that just because I carry a smile on my face I'm happy. I know I lie and I say I'm okay when people ask, "How are you?" but hasn't that become a question to ask out of politeness anyway? Do people actually care whether or not you are or are not happy? If they do, fantastic, but does that really change anything about the state of your happiness? If you want to hear the truth, it doesn't. The saying "happiness comes from inside" isn't just a bunch of blabber people talk because they want to be cheesy & cute. It's absolutely true, & right now I believe in it more than I believe in almost anything. Honest to goodness, there comes a point where it doesn't matter how many times people compliment you or tell you to "stay positive," or to "be happy." Nothing people say will matter if you're unhappy with yourself. All of this would explain my current situation. The thing is, I'm NOT a very positive person and I DON'T have very much faith in myself. Staying positive has never been as easy thing for me to do.
Jealousy is another big topic I should discuss. It's something that I've let consume me for years & years. Of course there is a different between being "rightfully jealous" and just plain jealously. I don't believe I fall into the first category. My situation is complicated, it is, & I don't quite believe it's 100% because of jealously. It also has to do with self-esteem, & once again, positivity. I'm not going to go into many details but the fact of the matter is I am constantly carrying the feeling that I am not "good enough for anyone." Actually, scratch that, the feeling that I am not "good enough" for a certain person, and anyone who I feel is liked better by that person I suppose I am jealous of. There were actually years where I tried & tried to do everything I could to impress that person, years where I was there for him/her & listened to everything he/she said.
There came a time though where I noticed it was only me keeping up the friendship, and I felt like I was the only one who cared. That is why I began an experiment to see if I even mattered to that person. I didn't speak to them for a long while & they didn't speak to me, and this is when I realized it was all just a one-sided friendship. It hurt, it hurt more than any pain I have ever felt, & it still hurts to know that I may not be important to them today.
They were my everything & I STILL haven't gotten over it, & I'm not sure I ever will.
That is why the quote "idols always break the hearts of their worshippers" is the "title" of my blog.
Because in a way, I did idolize them.
I depended on THEM to make me happy.
& when they said something to make me feel important, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
& when I felt they thought I was insignificant, like I mattered not a single bit to them, I was heartbroken.
I guess that person tells you a lot about myself, don't they?
So I'm not as happy as people think I am, & believe me, you don't know HOW MANY people think I'm the most happy-go-lucky person in the entire universe. They don't know as much about me as they think they do, & even my "closest friends," don't have a clue about what it's like to love someone so much & have to face such disappointment when they realize that person doesn't feel the same way about them.
So that's basically my life right there. That's basically who I am. Someone who can't get over a thing, someone who can't accept the truth, a girl who can let every possible thing get to her. I suppose I'm only a little insecure "niner" who's completely lost.
"I understand feeling as small & as insignificant as humanly possible, & how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you."
Thanks for reading.
To start off, I'm Sarah & I was born into the world somewhere in Canada, on Sunday, January 7th, 1996, which I suppose was a great day for my parents. Truth is, before I was born my mom had many miscarriages, and ever since I can remember both of my parents have been calling me their 'miracle baby.'
My family consists of four- me, my 10 year old brother Phillip, my mom & my dad.
We live in a house in the suburbs on a relatively quiet street in an overall safe area. (Although my car has come close to being broken into, so maybe I'll reconsider that thought... ) I've lived here nearly all of my life, and came into my neighbourhood when I was only a few months old. Before then I lived in the city in a much smaller house which I actually manage to see from time to time, that is when we're visiting in that area.
I enjoy singing, although I don't believe I've 'got what it takes' to make it out there. I also adore making video's on my free time although I haven't exactly done that for a while. I WILL honestly try to continue when I get my camcorder for Christmas though. :) Something else you should know about me is that I adore the most random things, honestly. Some things being I like to walk around Blockbuster at night, & my favourite smells are the smell of chlorine, sunscreen, & baby oil. Hah, I told you.
I also have many fears, many limitations I put on myself. I know that everyone has fears, but the fears I have can go from the scariest thing to something someone does on a regular basis, such as crossing a street. I'm very insecure & not very confident. I don't like the way I look & that is why I dye my hair so often. I also dye it because I get bored of my appearance fairly quickly. I know I look very young for my age & I do try to look older, hence the makeup.
Something else I'd like to discuss are my expectations. Some people say I expect a lot from them, and I suppose I do. I've lost so much faith in humanity & in myself that I now believe anything I ask from anyone is a high expectation. I'm a mess, I am, and many people assume that just because I carry a smile on my face I'm happy. I know I lie and I say I'm okay when people ask, "How are you?" but hasn't that become a question to ask out of politeness anyway? Do people actually care whether or not you are or are not happy? If they do, fantastic, but does that really change anything about the state of your happiness? If you want to hear the truth, it doesn't. The saying "happiness comes from inside" isn't just a bunch of blabber people talk because they want to be cheesy & cute. It's absolutely true, & right now I believe in it more than I believe in almost anything. Honest to goodness, there comes a point where it doesn't matter how many times people compliment you or tell you to "stay positive," or to "be happy." Nothing people say will matter if you're unhappy with yourself. All of this would explain my current situation. The thing is, I'm NOT a very positive person and I DON'T have very much faith in myself. Staying positive has never been as easy thing for me to do.
Jealousy is another big topic I should discuss. It's something that I've let consume me for years & years. Of course there is a different between being "rightfully jealous" and just plain jealously. I don't believe I fall into the first category. My situation is complicated, it is, & I don't quite believe it's 100% because of jealously. It also has to do with self-esteem, & once again, positivity. I'm not going to go into many details but the fact of the matter is I am constantly carrying the feeling that I am not "good enough for anyone." Actually, scratch that, the feeling that I am not "good enough" for a certain person, and anyone who I feel is liked better by that person I suppose I am jealous of. There were actually years where I tried & tried to do everything I could to impress that person, years where I was there for him/her & listened to everything he/she said.
There came a time though where I noticed it was only me keeping up the friendship, and I felt like I was the only one who cared. That is why I began an experiment to see if I even mattered to that person. I didn't speak to them for a long while & they didn't speak to me, and this is when I realized it was all just a one-sided friendship. It hurt, it hurt more than any pain I have ever felt, & it still hurts to know that I may not be important to them today.
They were my everything & I STILL haven't gotten over it, & I'm not sure I ever will.
That is why the quote "idols always break the hearts of their worshippers" is the "title" of my blog.
Because in a way, I did idolize them.
I depended on THEM to make me happy.
& when they said something to make me feel important, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
& when I felt they thought I was insignificant, like I mattered not a single bit to them, I was heartbroken.
I guess that person tells you a lot about myself, don't they?
So I'm not as happy as people think I am, & believe me, you don't know HOW MANY people think I'm the most happy-go-lucky person in the entire universe. They don't know as much about me as they think they do, & even my "closest friends," don't have a clue about what it's like to love someone so much & have to face such disappointment when they realize that person doesn't feel the same way about them.
So that's basically my life right there. That's basically who I am. Someone who can't get over a thing, someone who can't accept the truth, a girl who can let every possible thing get to her. I suppose I'm only a little insecure "niner" who's completely lost.
"I understand feeling as small & as insignificant as humanly possible, & how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you."
Thanks for reading.
Hello.
I know I haven't been here for who knows how long & I'm sorry.
I do have a Tumblr you can follow where I blog almost daily, so if you follow me there it would be most appreciated.
I'll try to get on this more, I will, now that I was reminded of this site.
Here are my links to other sites where you can follow me at:
- http://musicsarahlove.tumblr.com
- http://twitter.com/polkadottedPT
& for questions...
- http://www.formspring.me/polkadottedPT
I also have a new Youtube account that I have recently set up. Video's will be posted as soon as I get my camcorder.
Once again, thank you & thanks for reading. :)
I do have a Tumblr you can follow where I blog almost daily, so if you follow me there it would be most appreciated.
I'll try to get on this more, I will, now that I was reminded of this site.
Here are my links to other sites where you can follow me at:
- http://musicsarahlove.tumblr.com
- http://twitter.com/polkadottedPT
& for questions...
- http://www.formspring.me/polkadottedPT
I also have a new Youtube account that I have recently set up. Video's will be posted as soon as I get my camcorder.
Once again, thank you & thanks for reading. :)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
some questions are unanswered, and may always be.
am i trusted? am i loved? am i even cared for?
do people think of me as something much lower than what they think of themselves?
do they truly see me for who i am?
do they act a certain way around me, and a certain way around their other friends?
am i considered as close of a friend to them, as much as i consider them as close of a friend to me?
are their answers for my questions truthful?
are there deeper answers they're ignoring to admit to?
how do they they view me? who do they see me as?
do they look deeper beyond the questions i ask?
do they look beneath the anger and frustration in order to see someone caught in a dreadful situation, who is craving love?
do they realize they lower my self-esteem, when i barely have any to begin with?
can they see invisible tears running down my face, and as angry as i may appear, can they not see that beneath my fury, there is a girl desperately crying out for answers?
unanswered questions certainly keep you thinking, and wondering what you've done wrong.
do people think of me as something much lower than what they think of themselves?
do they truly see me for who i am?
do they act a certain way around me, and a certain way around their other friends?
am i considered as close of a friend to them, as much as i consider them as close of a friend to me?
are their answers for my questions truthful?
are there deeper answers they're ignoring to admit to?
how do they they view me? who do they see me as?
do they look deeper beyond the questions i ask?
do they look beneath the anger and frustration in order to see someone caught in a dreadful situation, who is craving love?
do they realize they lower my self-esteem, when i barely have any to begin with?
can they see invisible tears running down my face, and as angry as i may appear, can they not see that beneath my fury, there is a girl desperately crying out for answers?
unanswered questions certainly keep you thinking, and wondering what you've done wrong.
Friday, April 16, 2010
have i ever been away from here.
wow, has time ever passed since i've last posted anything on here, or logged on for that matter.
so many things have changed since my last post, and i'm so glad.
last year was the absolute worst year of my life, i thank God that it's over.
i've become such a better person since then, and i'm just generally a happier person.
i've also become closer with so many people, and i think i've finally learned to love myself and accept myself more for who i am.
i can't believe the school year is almost over.
i know school ends for me at the end of june and it's still mid-april, but i know it'll go by so quickly.
HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR! omgoodness!
excited? scared? i'd say i'm both.
i've heard both the good and the bad. i guess i'm just going to have to judge it when i experience it myself.
i've also started going to my friend's youth group on friday's which is absolutely amazing, and everytime i go it just brings me closer and closer to God. there's an all girls retreat coming up, and hopefully i can make it.
until my next post, i hope you all have an amazing weekend. :]
so many things have changed since my last post, and i'm so glad.
last year was the absolute worst year of my life, i thank God that it's over.
i've become such a better person since then, and i'm just generally a happier person.
i've also become closer with so many people, and i think i've finally learned to love myself and accept myself more for who i am.
i can't believe the school year is almost over.
i know school ends for me at the end of june and it's still mid-april, but i know it'll go by so quickly.
HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR! omgoodness!
excited? scared? i'd say i'm both.
i've heard both the good and the bad. i guess i'm just going to have to judge it when i experience it myself.
i've also started going to my friend's youth group on friday's which is absolutely amazing, and everytime i go it just brings me closer and closer to God. there's an all girls retreat coming up, and hopefully i can make it.
until my next post, i hope you all have an amazing weekend. :]
Monday, September 28, 2009
Knowing.
I used to feel as if the world was spinning, but I was stuck with you in the middle.
Actually; sometimes I felt like I was stuck there alone.
I used to cry because I wanted to understand why things happen.
I wanted to understand myself.
I wanted to understand YOU.
But now I know that no matter how hard I try, I don't think I ever can.
Some people will never change.
Some people will never try to understand.
But you know what?
I don't care.
You're not who I thought you were.
We're not the friends I hoped to be.
But that doesn't even matter anymore, because I know I'll find someone else that will try to understand me, take me for who I am, not try to change me, and be my friend.
I'm sorry.
But it's not you. ;]
Actually; sometimes I felt like I was stuck there alone.
I used to cry because I wanted to understand why things happen.
I wanted to understand myself.
I wanted to understand YOU.
But now I know that no matter how hard I try, I don't think I ever can.
Some people will never change.
Some people will never try to understand.
But you know what?
I don't care.
You're not who I thought you were.
We're not the friends I hoped to be.
But that doesn't even matter anymore, because I know I'll find someone else that will try to understand me, take me for who I am, not try to change me, and be my friend.
I'm sorry.
But it's not you. ;]
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