Reintroduction?

Since it's been a while since my last 'real' blog, I may as well reintroduce myself.

To start off, I'm Sarah & I was born into the world somewhere in Canada, on Sunday, January 7th, 1996, which I suppose was a great day for my parents. Truth is, before I was born my mom had many miscarriages, and ever since I can remember both of my parents have been calling me their 'miracle baby.'

My family consists of four- me, my 10 year old brother Phillip, my mom & my dad.
We live in a house in the suburbs on a relatively quiet street in an overall safe area. (Although my car has come close to being broken into, so maybe I'll reconsider that thought... ) I've lived here nearly all of my life, and came into my neighbourhood when I was only a few months old. Before then I lived in the city in a much smaller house which I actually manage to see from time to time, that is when we're visiting in that area.

I enjoy singing, although I don't believe I've 'got what it takes' to make it out there. I also adore making video's on my free time although I haven't exactly done that for a while. I WILL honestly try to continue when I get my camcorder for Christmas though. :) Something else you should know about me is that I adore the most random things, honestly. Some things being I like to walk around Blockbuster at night, & my favourite smells are the smell of chlorine, sunscreen, & baby oil. Hah, I told you.

I also have many fears, many limitations I put on myself. I know that everyone has fears, but the fears I have can go from the scariest thing to something someone does on a regular basis, such as crossing a street. I'm very insecure & not very confident. I don't like the way I look & that is why I dye my hair so often. I also dye it because I get bored of my appearance fairly quickly. I know I look very young for my age & I do try to look older, hence the makeup.

Something else I'd like to discuss are my expectations. Some people say I expect a lot from them, and I suppose I do. I've lost so much faith in humanity & in myself that I now believe anything I ask from anyone is a high expectation. I'm a mess, I am, and many people assume that just because I carry a smile on my face I'm happy. I know I lie and I say I'm okay when people ask, "How are you?" but hasn't that become a question to ask out of politeness anyway? Do people actually care whether or not you are or are not happy? If they do, fantastic, but does that really change anything about the state of your happiness? If you want to hear the truth, it doesn't. The saying "happiness comes from inside" isn't just a bunch of blabber people talk because they want to be cheesy & cute. It's absolutely true, & right now I believe in it more than I believe in almost anything. Honest to goodness, there comes a point where it doesn't matter how many times people compliment you or tell you to "stay positive," or to "be happy." Nothing people say will matter if you're unhappy with yourself. All of this would explain my current situation. The thing is, I'm NOT a very positive person and I DON'T have very much faith in myself. Staying positive has never been as easy thing for me to do.

Jealousy is another big topic I should discuss. It's something that I've let consume me for years & years. Of course there is a different between being "rightfully jealous" and just plain jealously. I don't believe I fall into the first category. My situation is complicated, it is, & I don't quite believe it's 100% because of jealously. It also has to do with self-esteem, & once again, positivity. I'm not going to go into many details but the fact of the matter is I am constantly carrying the feeling that I am not "good enough for anyone." Actually, scratch that, the feeling that I am not "good enough" for a certain person, and anyone who I feel is liked better by that person I suppose I am jealous of. There were actually years where I tried & tried to do everything I could to impress that person, years where I was there for him/her & listened to everything he/she said.

There came a time though where I noticed it was only me keeping up the friendship, and I felt like I was the only one who cared. That is why I began an experiment to see if I even mattered to that person. I didn't speak to them for a long while & they didn't speak to me, and this is when I realized it was all just a one-sided friendship. It hurt, it hurt more than any pain I have ever felt, & it still hurts to know that I may not be important to them today.

They were my everything & I STILL haven't gotten over it, & I'm not sure I ever will.
That is why the quote "idols always break the hearts of their worshippers" is the "title" of my blog.
Because in a way, I did idolize them.
I depended on THEM to make me happy.
& when they said something to make me feel important, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
& when I felt they thought I was insignificant, like I mattered not a single bit to them, I was heartbroken.
I guess that person tells you a lot about myself, don't they?

So I'm not as happy as people think I am, & believe me, you don't know HOW MANY people think I'm the most happy-go-lucky person in the entire universe. They don't know as much about me as they think they do, & even my "closest friends," don't have a clue about what it's like to love someone so much & have to face such disappointment when they realize that person doesn't feel the same way about them.

So that's basically my life right there. That's basically who I am. Someone who can't get over a thing, someone who can't accept the truth, a girl who can let every possible thing get to her. I suppose I'm only a little insecure "niner" who's completely lost.

"I understand feeling as small & as insignificant as humanly possible, & how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you."

Thanks for reading.