Mindset.

I hate it when things go absolutely perfect when I'm with you.
I simply can't stand it.
The moments we're together when I'm smiling & laughing remind me of the past when everything seemed so perfect.
I let your words consume me & everything I swear to myself I won't tell you, I do.
I hate letting you in on anything anymore because I can't stand risking hearing your response & being disappointed once more.
So I've set my mind into a certain mood, a certain hopeless mood.
This way, when I'm with you, no matter what you tell me or I tell you doesn't make a difference because I've convinced myself that things can't go back to the way they used to be, so why try working things out?
Why try to improve the state of our friendship when we've tried everything & nothing has made a difference?
Yet with all of this being said, I still somehow manage to carry hope in believing that it may not be over, that things still may be able to return to the way they used to be.
& then I feel the pain all over again when I'm faced with the truth.
& then the disappointment returns all over again.
& then I'm back to square one.